I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Im part way to drunk.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
