i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
