Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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