so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
