You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I party with great urgency now.
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