Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
