I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
