woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
