i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
