my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
