pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
