I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
