belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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