First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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