I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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