Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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