Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
