Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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