omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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