Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
