Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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