Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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