I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
All the doctor said was why
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
