what day is it and did you see me today?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Green mimosas i think yes
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
