Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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