Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
