god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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