Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
