ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
