I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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