Duck Duck Cougar?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We had to coat check the pizza.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
