I wannas sexs uuuuu
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
