girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
