Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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