Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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