when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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