She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
