I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
