I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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