I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
