pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
