you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
