I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
