I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
