I'm going to jail i love you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
