You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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