why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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