who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the day after is always just damage control
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
