I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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