new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
